Impotence is a challenge in any relationship. I’m not talking about the inability to swell your organs here but about the feeling of powerlessness when your partner is suffering from stress, anxiety and even burnout at work – when they’re having a bad time and you don’t know how to help.

Many of us, I’m sure, will have stood by a coat rack, trying to put our face into the correct shape as the person we love rants, groans or collapses under the weight of pressure from their job. What’s more, many of us will have been in the position of feeling incredibly stressed about work ourselves, knowing that it’s turning our relationship as sour as a lemon in the face, but unsure how to resolve the situation. Whether it’s deadlines, colleagues, shift patterns or anything else from the ghastly spreadsheet of work stress, we are all susceptible and we may all act out in our relationships as a result. So, what to do?

First, try to work out what you’re dealing with. Sue Armstrong, clinical services manager at Relate, points out that “some employers have unreasonable expectations of their employees, regarding it as ‘normal’ to work late regularly, so that the amount of couple time or family time is very curtailed”.

However, sometimes a partner spending a lot of time at work, or being completely preoccupied by work, can be a sign that all is not well with the relationship. “In this case, an honest conversation about why they’re doing this needs to happen,” says Armstrong.

By actually taking the time to listen and understand what is happening for your partner, you are more likely to reach a positive outcome than by simply focusing on your own feelings of being neglected or ignored. The other factor to bear in mind, says Armstrong, “is that most of us go through a time in our careers when work may need to take priority for a particular reason or a period of time”.

That could be when getting a professional qualification, or because there’s a project that has to be completed within a few months. “In an understanding relationship, you can discuss this together and work out how you’ll get through it. But if it goes on indefinitely, that’s when resentment and feeling abandoned can take over.”

It can be tempting, when someone you love is facing a problem, to ride in on a big white keyboard and try to solve the problem. But is it ever your place to intervene? “Trying to ‘solve’ your partner’s problems could end up making things worse, if by doing that they felt inadequate or that you were taking on a ‘parental’ role,” says Armstrong.

So, perhaps hold back on phoning their boss at 5.32pm demanding they let your beloved leave the office on time because you’ve made a lasagne and want to watch Gladiators on iPlayer with them. “However, listening to your partner, empathising and offering suggestions or different strategies for dealing with whatever the problem is, can be helpful,” Armstrong adds. Just don’t get frustrated or irritated if your suggestions are not taken up.

Twice in my life, I have felt so crushed by the weight of my partner’s work stress that I have, unconsciously, reared up like a cut snake, lashing out, demanding attention and threatening a breakup in some hamfisted attempt to put things in perspective. Friends, it does not work.

So, what does being a supportive partner actually look like? “I think it’s about being interested in what your partner is doing, and listening, even when sometimes you may not understand all the intricacies of your partner’s job,” says Armstrong. “It can be about asking ‘curious’ questions about what’s happening, or how their difficult meeting went.”

If you really don’t know what to do, then why not be very bold and ask? Ask your partner if they want practical help (for example, for you to cook dinner, make a cup of tea, take a lead on children’s bedtimes or go away for the weekend so that they can concentrate), or whether they just want to be heard. Check what they would find helpful, and hope that they will do the same for you.