Everyone gets angry at one point or another. In fact, according to research the average person will get angry at least four times a day. When I look back at myself, I used to get angry at least 20 times a day and that’s when everything was going well. As an anger management specialist, I have got this down to about once a day but, of course, that depends on my stress levels. It also means that I have to continuously monitor my mood.
Over the years, I’ve learned that getting angry is not the problem, but acting the anger out certainly is. At this point I still get angry; however, it’s not often that you will see me show it. I am now able to say I am angry and tell the other person what I need, and do it in a calm and collected way. The term “acting out” means when we exhibit unrestrained and improper actions. The behaviour is usually caused by a person’s suppressed or denied feelings or emotions.
If you feel you are acting out your anger too often, try this test to see if you need to tame your temper. Note how frequently you respond to each anger “trigger” and add up your scores:
Being stuck in congested traffic.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Travelling on overcrowded public transport.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Drinking too much alcohol.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Injustices and unfairness of any sort.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Being blamed and shamed for something you did not do.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
People not apologising quickly enough.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
People who jump queues.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Appointments cancelled at the very last moment.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Unresolved issues with family members such as children and in-laws.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Being inconvenienced by people who are thoughtless or inconsiderate.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Cruelty towards animals.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
When stresses of the day get too much.
Often – 3
Sometimes – 2
Rarely or never – 1
Scoring
Between 24 and 36
You need to seek professional help because you have a serious anger problem and it needs to be sorted out before someone gets hurt in an emotional and/or physical way.
Between 18 and 24
You can control your temper sometimes; however, when stressed or tired and hungry your anger gets extreme and you need professional support.
Between 12 and 18
This shows that you don’t sweat the small stuff and are cool, calm and collected.
What is your anger style?
Your anger style is shaped by how anger was, or was not, expressed by members of your family in childhood. Young children soon learn which anger style is most effective, even if it may mean the resulting attention is negative.
You may identify strongly with one anger style below, or you may find you express a few of them. But be aware that none of these approaches are effective or constructive in the long term.
Intimidator
Aggressive stance, shouting, eyeballing, body posturing. When using the intimidator style, the goal is to create fear in the other person to control them.
Interrogator
A machine-gun spray of questions: “Why are you late? … Where have you been? … Who do you think you are?” When using the interrogator style, the goal is to induce guilt and shame in the person with whom you are angry in order to control their actions and behaviours.
Poor me
When using the poor-me anger style, the aim is to play the victim and therefore make the other person feel shame and guilt. It’s highly manipulative but can be very effective.
Distancer
Walks away and intellectualises everything, very rational – and very passive-aggressive. A stonewaller. As a distancer, you might recognise that your goal is to get the other person or people to run after you and apologise, begging you to come back and at least talk about it.
Winder-upper
Gets others to express their anger by taking the mickey. When challenged, they say: “I’m only joking, don’t take it so seriously!”
If you are a winder-upper, you might be surprised to realise that you get other people to vent your unexpressed anger, so that you don’t have to.
Blunderbuss
This sort of person curses the telephone/computer, slams the receiver down, bangs doors, throws luggage, swears under their breath, smashes things – everyone knows they are in a foul mood but they refuse to admit it. It’s designed to warn others that next time they could be in the line of fire. I have been told that this style of anger can be very cathartic but if you are going to break things then at least make sure that no one else is around.
It’s important to realise that each of the above anger styles is usually triggered when we feel powerless, hopeless and inadequate. And rather than adopting any of these behaviours, however subconsciously, it’s much healthier to talk about it.
• Michael Fisher is the director of the British Association of Anger Management (angermanage.co.uk)
Source: TheGuardian
