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Orthopedic Surgeon Pays $400K to Keep Son Out of Ophthalmology Residency

Disclaimer: This post is from GomerBlog, a satirical site about healthcare.

Inspired by the recent college admissions cheating scandal, orthopedic surgeon Brock Hammersley took matters into his own hands when his son ranked only ophthalmology residencies in the ACGME Match.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw his rank list! Ophthalmology Harvard, Ophthalmology Mass. Eye and Ear, Ophthalmology Duke, Ophthalmology Tinyhandsville!” Hammersley fumed to GomerBlog.

“You think you’re raising your kids right. You start taking them to the gym as soon as they can walk, pay for the best bicep-building trainers starting when they’re 3, buy them their own mallet at 4, power tools at 5. You know, trying to do everything you can to make sure they’re started down the right path. Then one day — BAM! It all blows up in your face and they apply to do a residency without power tools where they sit down for every surgery! They sit down to do surgery!”

“So, I did what any caring parent would do, I sat him down and chewed his ass. ‘Listen here, Brock Jr., I know some of your friends have chosen alternative career paths, but I want something better for you. Please tell me you somehow accidentally put random p’s and h’s in your poor attempt to spell orthopedics, and we can get back to playing beer pong with your mother and sister.'”

Hammersley stopped as tears were forming in his eyes at this point, “Then he looks me in the eyes and said the six words every parent fears the most: ‘I really want to do ophthalmology.'”

“After all the sacrifices we made for him, he insults our family like this. I felt helpless until I heard what that loving mother Lori Loughlin did for her kids, and I got an idea.”

Hammersley then proceeded to call the American Academy of Ophthalmology president, Dr. George A. Williams, and offered a $400,000 “donation” to the Beaumont Eye Institute. “The study of some sort of eyeball stuff was the pretense, but Dr. Williams wouldn’t promise to ‘guide’ the match results for Brock Jr.,” Hammersley recalled.

“Fortunately, I was able to pull a few strings elsewhere — greased with the 400 G’s — and what do you know, Brock Jr. matched ortho at my alma mater, the University of Michigan! The Lord really does work in mysterious ways!”