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New DSM to Classify Hearing a Diastolic Murmur as Auditory Hallucination

Disclaimer: This post is from GomerBlog, a satirical site about healthcare.

Following a growing number of reports on physicians’ deteriorating mental health, the American Psychiatric Association decided to tackle the issue through the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The 6th edition reportedly will be physician-friendly and address everyday medical issues.

Is that a murmur or an auditory hallucination?

The psychiatry team met with top cardiologists who agreed that “some cardiac sounds” can be heard by 200-year-old technology — i.e., the stethoscope — while “others cannot.”

“We decided to put a stop to the familiar phenomenon of a bunch of trainees nodding their heads in fake agreement as the tutor claims to hear a faint heart sound that is clearly not there,” an APA spokesman said. “If you really think that you hear this theoretical sound then you have a problem.”

DSM-6 will also classify the digital rectal examination as a paraphilia. “We found that in 100% of the cases, surgeons perform a brief H&P and physical, then order CT and follow a CT-directed care. If you elect to do DRE, it means you like it.”

Changes are also coming to the medicine department. Criteria for the definition of ADHD will be expanded to include “performing, reporting, or documenting Chvostek, Kernig, or Argyll-Robertson signs on more than one occasion.”

In the 6th edition, status consultus is defined as “the acute presentation of a massive activation of consult services for a patient, out of proportion to the degree of the patient’s illness.” It is most commonly seen among interns while on first ICU rotation.

“We hope that early recognition of these common situations will be appropriately addressed (with antidepressants) and shall not be dismissed anymore,” the spokesman said.